Often when taking the bus, I am forced to decide whether or not I should give up my seat for an older person. On one hand, the older person may tire more easily and deserve to sit down. On the other, my journey can take up to an hour whereas his/hers may only be a mere five minutes. Thus in giving up my seat for his/her five minutes of comfort, I risk having to stand for an hour. Unless I receive a written guarantee that upon his/her departure, the seat is rightfully returned to me, I hope it can be understood why this is such a dilemma.

I have, however, come up with a solution. In the future, if you’re ever wondering whether I would give up my seat for you, the answer is NO.

Or to be more specific, it depends on your NO rating, which is calculated as follows:

NO, where:
N = number of miles you are traveling
O = how old you are

For example, Kevin is a 25-year-old traveling 30 miles, which means he has a NO rating of 750. Stranger is a 65-year-old traveling 11 miles, which means he has a NO rating of 715. Because a higher NO rating is more deserving of the seat, Kevin would have priority. If, however, Stranger was traveling 12 miles, he would have a NO rating of 780, and Kevin in this case would sigh and reluctantly stand up.

I admit the formula is not perfect, especially if you move towards the ends of the spectrum. Following the scenario above, a 2-year-old traveling 374 miles would have to remain standing. But first, where is that baby going? Why is there a baby trying to leave the state? I think that is a more important question.

Like many people this movie season, I love Slumdog Millionaire, the inspiring tale of a poor Indian boy who, against all odds, manages to have his childhood friend grow up to be Freida Pinto. But as I watch it win award after award, I can’t help but be a little bitter. And I am bitter because: A) I am a grumpy old man, B) I am partially composed of dark chocolate, or C) It was written.

The correct answer is C. It was written. By me. Slumdog was my idea.

It can be a nuisance being stopped every time I step onto the streets, but it is expected by those who choose to wear two monocles, like me. Why, the curious strangers would ask, do I not just wear glasses like everybody else?

In looking at ads for a room to rent, I am somewhat perplexed by landlords requesting that their potential tenants be drama-free. First, what do they have against actors?

Today, I realized that some people, in the company of family and close friends, do not lock the door when they go to the bathroom. It is trust, they said, that no one is going to blow the door open to commit sins.