I don’t want to come off as an egotistical maniac, but my morning ritual does include checking the website of my alma mater to see if they have added me to their list of notable alum. And it is with utter confusion that I still do not see my name.

What will it take?

Artistic abilities? If you’re seeking the kind of high brow art that nobody understands, you will find that my skill in ambiguity is unsurpassed. In one figure drawing class, I drew a man wearing a hat, which the professor then mistook for a dog delivering pizza.

Writing abilities? My blog is so well read that, at its current pace, it will receive more than 1.5 million page views within 90 years. Most blogs would take at least 92 years.

Money-making abilities? By utilizing my strategy of never leaving any tips, I have increased my spending power by at least 15%.

Scientific abilities? I have discovered that one can be vaccinated against multiple diseases simply by unintentionally consuming the saliva of countless waiters.

What will it take, huh? Must I chug saliva by the buck loads?

How about this. Surely, having only one notable graduate in the last 23 years does not look great for a school. But I can make you this guarantee: by adding me to your list, you will have two notable graduates in the last 23 years. I can already see the college applications pouring in.

So.. deal?

I was in line at the movie theater when a young boy walked up to a Terminator poster, widened his eyes, and shouted, “Look, dad! Transformers!”

Imagine my surprise this morning when I received an email notifying me that Big Tara, bane of my childhood, has added me on Facebook.

My guidance counselor once told me that my penchant for schoolyard gossip and rumors would be detrimental to my own personal development, but my curiosity for secrets of all kinds has led me directly to my career in international intelligence and surveillance.

Before the arrival of gods, before the existence of matter and energy, in that abstract fluid of nothingness, there existed a figure who stood as tall as galaxies, and whose strength burst forth with the power of supernovas.