I am not at all embarrassed to say I have yet to experience my first kiss. This was something I decided on long ago when I was pressured to save sex until after marriage. My thought process concluded that if sex could be made more special by waiting, then surely everything else would be too. The first time I eat spaghetti will be fucking awesome.

But this is about the kiss. I don’t think I can wait any longer. First, it just seems like such a fun thing to do. And second, all my other friends are already well into the random orgy phase. I feel completely left behind when it comes to feeling behinds.

And so it is with a heavy heart that I realize I must break the promise I made my youth pastor. I am not married, but I am going to kiss.

The only problem is I am single now, and nobody replied to my emails. Not even when I described exactly what I planned to do, and assured them I wanted nothing more: starting with a slow, gentle peck, I would then progress to a slightly more forceful push, before unleashing the kind of Tongue Fu that would make a reptilian Bruce Lee jealous.

But wait, I just remembered. I have a pet rabbit.

There probably isn’t that big a difference between rabbits and humans, both being mammals and all. And at least I can be sure it won’t laugh in my face if I’m terrible at it.

Okay, I just spit out my gum. I’ll update in a minute to let you know how it went.

Unless I get lucky, of course.

I would like to publicly apologize to the host of our home game last week for my inexplicable behavior. I swear it was not my previous understanding that my Poker Face and my O Face completely switched places.

I hold a religious pamphlet in my hand. The churchgoer who gave it to me explained the painting printed on it: it is Paradise. A clear river weaves between the bright green trees and foliage. People of all cultures live together in harmony, everyone dressed in their traditional garb. The wild animals, too, are tame. A little girl wraps her arms around a lion. A father shows his son how to properly feed cherries to a bear.

It has to be said: I am one good-looking dude.

Little Sue wore glasses
and had frog heads for breasts.