I was always highly impressionable, so it should be no surprise that I spent most of my childhood trying to become a street fighter. That I could not cast a fireball was not a sign it was physically impossible, just a sign I was not saying hadouken correctly.

I would also get into fights with classmates on purpose, always making sure our brawls happened out on the streets. School courtyard fighter did not ring the same. Sometimes, after a flurry of well-placed punches, I would shout, “5 Hit Combo!” and in my head, I would imagine a sizeable point increase.

My hunger for violence soon grew beyond that. Thankfully, I was introduced to the teachings of mortal combat, and began ending my fights by fatally wounding my classmates. I recall distinctly pulling Peter’s head from his body, leaving only his spinal cord attached. Good times.

Looking back, I realize that being so impressionable was probably not great. I wasted years of my life, and I lost a lot of friends, many of whom I finished instead of treated with respect. And I certainly would not have ended up where I am now, as a dinosaur-riding plumber.

Self-deprecating humor is overrated. Too often my attempts to appear endearingly self-conscious result in a consoling hand on my shoulder, and a heartfelt assurance that there are some women who like guys with a big nose.

The ant infestation would’ve been a lot worse if I had not befriended one of them. Jeffrey was surprisingly intelligent for an ant, and possessed a rare sense of humor that never failed to amuse me. His impression of Al Pacino in Scarface was particularly uncanny.

Victoria was always up to something. In the middle of the night, she would wait until I fell asleep and then slip off, only to return in the morning before I awoke. That she could do this so effortlessly was confusing as she wasn’t even a smart girl. When we were still in school, all she got were D’s. Like, 36 of them.

What is it with people trying to distinguish themselves from others by claiming they’re not what they are? HBO tells me it’s not TV. Wendy’s tells me it’s waaay better than fast food. And truTV tells me it’s not reality, but actuality.