Hello there!
Because you are not so lucky to live in a time when you can download my thoughts directly into your brain, here is the next best thing: a list of all written entries published so far, boiled down to an essential one or two sentences. If you actually don’t mind the act of reading, however, I would suggest you skip this page and just browse the archives, where you can be afforded the luxury of context.
Preface
Did I tell you about my breasts? They’re, like, gigantic.
Ninja Grope!
I would sneak up on people, deliver a kick to their bottoms, and then before they can turn around, disappear in a puff of smoke.
My Own TV Show
Preparation for the show will begin when my wife, having discovered my womanizing ways and uncontrollable gambling habits, realizes the only way she can keep the house and maintain a life of decency for our kids would be to dissolve me in a bathtub full of acid.
Fallen in Love
The breakup got ugly, but not as much as she did.
Rover, Bad Dog
Where the hell did he get the idea to become literate anyway?
What’s Your Name, Son?
I’m sure my wife would be the romantic one, saying things like, “What about a Native American name meaning ‘good child’?” And my response would be, “No, honey. I will not name my son Huhuewahehle.”
Big Tara
No one less manly than Hercules would be aroused.
2 Slow 2 Complacent
It just simplified things, referring to each other by our most expensive piece of machinery. There was Civic, Lancer, and my best friend, Integra. His little brother, whom we let on the team because his mom made us, was named iPod.
If These Walls Could Hear
As a Chinese person who has consulted his Guide to Proper Ethnic Behavior, I have accordingly holed up and not introduced myself.
Vehicularly Challenged
He continued studying my carless body, and said, “I know I shouldn’t be asking this, but I’m just really curious. What happened? I mean, did your car get stolen? Or maybe it was towed for illegal parking?”
Clubbing, Like in a Club
My pre-clubbing routine was simple: bathe, put on shirt and pants, and walk myself through a mist of Febreze.
This is Not a Blog Post
No, I’m not pissed. I’m inversely delighted.
Victoria’s Secret
That she could do this so effortlessly was confusing as she wasn’t even a smart girl. When we were still in school, all she got were D’s. Like, 36 of them.
Goodbye to My Little Friend
The ant infestation would’ve been a lot worse if I had not befriended one of them.
Poor Me/Poo Me
Too often my attempts to appear endearingly self-conscious result in a consoling hand on my shoulder, and a heartfelt assurance that there are some women who like guys with a big nose.
Impressionable Youth
Sometimes, after a flurry of well-placed punches, I would shout, “5 Hit Combo!” and in my head, I would imagine a sizeable point increase.
The Beautiful People
I would be invited to parties, only to get the “Ew!” look from the other patrons when I arrive, and the constant murmuring behind my back would continue until I flash them my flawless fingers and leave them speechless.
Burn
I hear you like cocktails. Might I suggest the Molotov? No, no, this one is on the house. Your house, especially.
Robie, Good Dog
His urine was formulated to emit the aroma of springtime flowers, he guarded my house with precise laser eyes, and whenever I told him to sit, he would get into the lotus position, with the option of turning on soothing Buddhist chants.
The Procrastinator
She was the woman who gave birth after a 15-month pregnancy, and I still remember that magical moment like it was yesterday, holding my baby in my right arm, and letting my wife hold my left. Tears of joy rolled down my cheek as my wife whispered, “See? I told you I would get around to it.”
How to Avoid Getting Murdered
Nice guys, apparently, get finished first.
Bathroom Lock
I am a self-proclaimed lover of new experiences, so just now, I too urinated while my friends had unobstructed access to a viewing, if they so chose.
Drama, Free
In looking at ads for a room to rent, I am somewhat perplexed by landlords requesting that their potential tenants be drama-free. First, what do they have against actors?
Bi-Monocles
It can be a nuisance being stopped every time I step onto the streets, but it is expected by those who choose to wear two monocles, like me.
Slumdog Was My Idea
The correct answer is C. It was written. By me. Slumdog was my idea.
Bus Seat Delegation
In the future, if you’re ever wondering whether I would give up my seat for you, the answer is NO. Or to be more specific, it depends on your NO rating, which is calculated as follows.
Fisherman’s Hat
I do not wish to reinforce negative stereotypes of the Chinese, but it is a fact that no matter what kind of hat I put on, I look like a fisherman.
First!
I always felt there is glory in being first: to be in first place, to be first choice, to be First Lady. This is why I never quite understood why my one and only spouse gets so irritated when I call her my first wife.
Exorcise Me
I used to think I was plagued by personal demons, but they have since assured me that it was nothing personal. They, it turned out, were business demons.
Hunter
Things have never been quite the same since the last mass extinction.
Hard Teacher
Genius was the way you incorporated concepts you learned in class, the way you utilized proper keywords, the way you followed MLA guidelines perfectly to formulate your bibliography. But damn, you have nice breasts.
A Conversation with Moses
“What is up, Tiny Moses?”
Checking In
Most unfortunately, I learned that Hotel California was only a metaphor. I put away my steely knife, thoroughly embarrassed.
Roostero
The townsfolk thought that by having me tarred and feathered, I would die from humiliation, but they only helped me complete my human-rooster transformation.
Ode to My Soft Banana
This is for you, banana.
An Epic Allegory of Erectile Dysfunction
The figure, whom I will refer to as Doug, was always proud of the name Big Bang, but it was not the way his wife remembered it.
The Spy Who XOXO Me
“North Korea doesn’t just like nuclear weapons,” I once wrote in an 800-page report on the motivations behind the actions of the communist state. “North Korea likes likes them.”
Big Tara, Part II
Through what portal did you crawl through, dragging your knuckles across the ground, only to strut out back again, hands on your shapely hips? What form of dark magic is this?
Ill & Illiteracy
I was in line at the movie theater when a young boy walked up to a Terminator poster, widened his eyes, and shouted, “Look, dad! Transformers!”
Quest for Notability
I don’t want to come off as an egotistical maniac, but my morning ritual does include checking the website of my alma mater to see if they have added me to their list of notable alum.
Old Friends
One of them has become a flight attendant. The other, a nurse. Combine that with my current career as a graphic designer, and we all happened to have taken on roles that would fit quite appropriately in a Japanese porno. If you’re thinking that graphic designers do not appear in such adult films, then you obviously have not seen I Retouch Myself at Night: How I Flashed the Illustrator at the Photoshop and then Dreamweaved with my Freehand.
Frogs of Little Sue: A Poem
Little Sue wore glasses / and had frog heads for breasts.
Celebrity Face
It has to be said: I am one good-looking dude.
The Avant Garden of Eden
God, it’s so commercial.
The Ohh in Poker
I swear it was not my previous understanding that my Poker Face and my O Face completely switched places.
A Kiss to Remember
My thought process concluded that if sex could be made more special by waiting, then surely everything else would be too. The first time I eat spaghetti will be fucking awesome.
Missing Youth
At age 25, what is left? Kids? Anal sex?
Give Me a Break
Truth is, I’ve not been this stressed since elementary school when Son Goku was about to be killed by Freeza.
Border Patroll
It is a story that began, like most fairy tales, on the US-Mexico border.
She Said, She Said
Few things said by a woman can be more interesting than the one sentence she chooses to say when ending a relationship. Months or years of shared moments and emotions are condensed into a mere handful of words, each as ambiguous as a mixed cup of Slurpee, and each as cold.
Infestation Rematch
Summer has arrived again, which means the return of my old nemesis: the ants.
Drunk Like a Sailor
As it were, my dance repertoire consisted of a part of The Robot and the entirety of Sailor Moon’s transformation.
Goodbye, World
Unable to pay back my credit card debt of almost sixty dollars, it seems the only option left is to fake my death.
Is Chivalry Dead?
No.
Man Meat
Getting stranded on an island with my best friend gave me the perfect excuse to try cannibalism.
Smooth Criminal
The adjective in my nickname did not refer to my cool demeanor as much as it did my notorious wrinkleless balls.
Asexual Beast
For the last couple months, I lived my life as a transgendered, in that I transcended gender, and lived my life as an amoeba.
