For the last couple months, I lived my life as a transgendered, in that I transcended gender, and lived my life as an amoeba.

Life was pretty easy-going, just drifting here and there in various fluids, absorbing nutrients through phagocytosis, a process at which I had gotten quite good. Ladies would wave at me and ask if I was single, and I would answer yes, in that I was single-celled. Reproduction was as easy as mitosis and splitting myself in half.

After a while, however, the reality of microscopic life began to dawn on me. Without a developed nervous system, I could not comprehend even the simplest forms of entertainment. Anything beyond VH1 made my nucleus hurt. And I missed dicks terribly, in that I yearned to understand all the old detective novels I used to read.

Last week, I decided I had enough. I introduced myself to a fellow cell, and convinced it that this whole survival thing would be easier if we worked together as one organism. Soon after, others took an interest and joined us, allowing each of us to be designated increasingly specialized roles. I have always wanted to take part in an orgy, and this was the closest I’ve gotten, in that things were inserted into other things, and we became a salamander.

From then on, we continually adapted to our surroundings, and got fitter, by working out and occasionally growing more hair. It was around this time that we didn’t have to crawl anymore, and just walked on our two feet. We held a rock, and it became a hammer. We pushed a button, and the television changed channel. We had become me.

I know what you’re thinking. That is the most ridiculous case of evolution ever, bordering on nonsense. But to this day, it is still the only time macroevolution has been observed. No, really, ask my roommate, Greg. He saw the whole thing.

I have to say: life as a human being is infinitely better. Conversations can actually be thoughtful, sunsets actually conjure up emotions, and cheesecake tastes better. Also, I was finally able to get back to the dick I missed, in that I regained my penis.

About the only drawback I can come up with is that reproduction has gotten considerably harder. Is there an alternative to mitosis that I have forgotten? Because this is hurting like a bitch.


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