Give Me a Break
Hey. The Gentleman Sir Kevin Kao, Ph.D. here.
I know updates have been sparse this month, and no doubt some of you are wondering if you can go on living without my blog, but please let me explain (and no, you can’t). You see, at the beginning of April, I sent in my application for a work visa, the outcome of which will affect at least the next three years of my life. And during this period of uncertainty, I find myself hardly able to muster up the enthusiasm to write a blog, much less try to be entertaining. Truth is, I’ve not been this stressed since elementary school when Son Goku was about to be killed by Freeza.
In addition to this, my application included my resume, which includes a link to my online portfolio, which includes a link to this site. So there is a chance, however slight, that whoever is assessing my application will end up here and read everything I’ve written. I don’t know if I’m comfortable with that. When I started this blog, I hoped to write for a wide audience—supermodels, beach volleyball players, bears—but I never considered the possibility of government officials who hold my fate in their hands.
Give me a week or so. By then I should know the outcome of my application. If all is good, we can return to our scheduled programming, 3-5 updates a week. If the application is denied, you can still expect 3-5 updates a week, but my photo may change to one with me in heavy black makeup, and all my writing will have to do with bleeding hearts, dark souls, and broken mirrors.
C’mon, United States of America. I’m almost 26. You can’t make me a goth now!
Good luck, sir!
Hope everything works out and looking forward to some non-goth posts in the future. Why not temporarily remove the link from your portfolio to this site?
Thanks, Kayla and Pete, for the kind words. Or, as a highly educated gentleman would say, “Aw, guys..”
Yea, I suppose I can remove the link, but the overwhelming reason for my inability to write is still not knowing which country I will be living in, a few months from now. Oh, the agony!
Wow … I hope this site stays around. It’s the only blog worth reading on the interwebs really.
Listen - I pay taxes in a different country (Canada) and we supply people with a lot of valuable goods like trees, fresh water, and high quality bacon. On behalf of Canada I would vote to keep you in … that has to count for something.
If the rightous Sir Kevin Kao Ph.D is unable to gain permission for his request of a visa, then I the honerable Sir Oliver Smith BSc, Ph.D, MBE, JPEG, offer you the chance of asylum in Royal Britainia. Though a not a high ranking government official my status as an importer of bad teeth, cricket and afternoon tea practically grants me dominion.
You are already of the correct attire, (top hat and monocle) and will be held in much greater esteem than many a fellow gentleman, who wear the inferior bowler hats.
If you accept I shall send forth for the finest ship of our fleet to emancipate you from the depths of debauchery of the land of plagerised English names all containing the prefix, new.
Upon our arrival you are required to bring a selection of unripe limes or lime cordial if it is of little hindrance. Cinnamon buns will be of use too, as my crew of 30, ( though I assume 37% will have sucummb to scurvy, syphillis or piracy and no longer be with us) could use food which remains unspoilt by vermin or Devil’s worms.
I eagerly await your response.
Sincerly
Sir Oliver Smith BSc, Ph.D, MBE, JPEG
TheHoboStandard:
While your name seems to refer to a leading news publication for bums, I have a hard time believing such an enterprise could survive economically given that your target subscribers would be lacking a home address. If you do deliveries to cardboard boxes in the surrounding areas of liquor stores, would you be so kind as to provide me with more information, as I may find myself in such a predicament if my request to stay in this country is denied? I clicked your link for more details, but found only a video game featuring ninja turtles. Are the two somehow linked? I have read about a rise in teenage runaways, but I never thought that they could be turtles as well. Although technically, by carrying their shelter on their backs the entire time, could one really say they have left home? These are questions I wish your publication can answer for me.
As for Canada, this is true: I have visited the country two times, once to have my girlfriend break up with me, the other to attend a funeral. I suppose what I’m asking is, does joy exist in your country?
Sir Oliver Smith BSc, Ph.D, MBE, JPEG:
It is a great honor to be contacted by not just an equal but one whose achievements surpass my own. I am still not sure what I have done to deserve such direct communication from a JPEG.
As for Britain, this is true: I hold citizenship of your country, and if my request for a visa is denied, I may indeed relocate there. But your fleet of ships, while an admirable gesture, would not be needed. As you probably already know, gentlemen such as ourselves travel on our own ships and are highly suspicious of benevolent strangers. I did not work to receive countless doctoral degrees so I could learn to trust others.
But if my situation does force me to leave, I do look forward to arriving on your shores to much fanfare and TV coverage. And then, when the commotion subsides, perhaps we can then knock back a couple cold ones, get “drunk” as the commoners say, and flaunt our multiple titles in front of beautiful British women. I particularly like flaunting them by suddenly opening up my raincoat, and then running away.
Sounds like fun, eh, ol’ chap?
I realize I was unfairly mean to Canada. It is possible that all the emotional stress I have experienced there can be balanced out by a hot chocolate from Tim Horton’s. Seriously, thanks for the support!
dear the gentleman sir kevin kao, ph.d.:
have you ever seen the movie ‘green card’?
i’m not suggesting any potential scenarios involving you and i; i just really like gerard depardieu.
xoxo
vice girl
Wow, I had never heard of the movie, but the premise is hilarious.
And if you’re not suggesting any potential scenarios involving you and me, may I? Just kidding. I plan to get a green card like an honorable man, applying as a person of extraordinary ability. The Nobel committee can’t snub me forever.
To the Admirable Sir Kevin Kao Ph.D, such an optimistic outlook in these perilous times is a trait I wish to hold myself. If the offer of emigration to such a glorious empire of mine is taken then you must be informed of several differences, which separate our lands cultures.
Firstly, the population of Britain is greater in their mean height by 7 inches. This was a trait we gained from rapid evolution to avoid the face (now Adam’s apple) level smog from the mills, as it impinged on our ability to respire. A disadvantageous scenario I hear you say, correct indeed my fellow man.
The population of England also has a full, overall mean heigh 30 inches higher than neighboring scallywags. Such a mean drops with great speed up on entering one’s abode or singing, God save the Queen as our top hats are removed in respect. These beautifully adorned head pieces usually augment another 23 inches on most a general noggin.
The mustache is implemented as both fashionable garb and a practical accessory. A variety of tools beneficial for the everyday English man may be hidden in it, till your need requires them. These include charts, walking stick(s), spare monocles, an extra suit and another mustache for emergency predicaments.
Last but not lease Sir Kao Ph.D, It would be irresponsible of me not to inform you that we are still unable to acquire colour in the greatness of Britain as a ramification of the great war and everything is black and white. This does, however, mean our children hold progressive dreams less and softens any chance of radicalization of my great country.
To remedy your question. My JPEG qualification came about from months of work on my compression, which helps me save space in such a crowded environment, of which Britain has become. I have successfully got to a 10:1 compression ratio with little perceptible loss in my visual quality, a fine feat I am told.
I hope this has been of great use to you, though I must be off, the chimney sweep is clouting the door. Little does he realise such a lack of manners end in sore ears.
Hopefully I will see you infiltrating our horizon in the near future.
Sir Oliver Smith Bsc, Ph.D, MBE, JPEG
Sir Oliver Smith, Bsc, Ph.D, MBE, JPEG:
I appreciate the time and care you put into our correspondence, and am thoroughly impressed by the amount of text you produce. I may just have to accept that my own body of text is not as big as yours, and that I am thus that much less of a man. Have you by any chance considered the effect your writing has on my self-esteem? What am I to do when my girlfriend visits this page and sees that your verbosity clearly outweighs mine? It seems even the text of Englishmen are taller by 7 inches.
That is not to say I did not enjoy your reply and did not find it informational. In fact, I am very much honored by your presence and your honest, candid descriptions of the old country. Your revelation that Britain remains in black and white was particularly stirring. I imagine it is like watching a film noir when the rest of the world has moved onto film couleurs. (I do apologize for using French.) But I assure you life is not always greener on the other side. Well, okay, I suppose in this case it is. But green is such a horrid color.
Originally, I had wanted to say that perhaps in the future you would be kind enough, for my own sake, to compress your writing as you are so skilled to do, but in hindsight, I enjoy it too much to make such a suggestion. I admit though that I have had to print out my own writing on poster-sized pages in order to compensate for what I have now realized to be my shortcoming.
I hope you do not feel offended that I still wish to stay in this country, but I look forward to any of your future writings, and have prepared myself by starting a fund with which I could use to print my writing on a billboard.