I used to think I was plagued by personal demons, but they have since assured me that it was nothing personal. They, it turned out, were business demons.

The differences between the two are subtle and are probably best explained through examples. A personal demon may wither away your social life and cause you to wash down your sorrows with drinks from the liquor store. A business demon, on the other hand, would give you more friends so you would go to a bar instead where you would pay a premium and leave a 20% tip. A personal demon may inject doubt into your marriage and cause you to seek escape with the open-minded neighbor next door. A business demon, on the other hand, would make you hire a prostitute and pay a fair rate. You know you are dealing with demons of the business ilk when, in trying to accurately determine an appropriate wage, you ask a prostitute for references.

Business demons, clearly, are obsessed with money and are thus much worse. It is one thing to take my soul, but quite another to take my wallet.

My attempts to cleanse myself have led me to church. I was told I needed only to accept Christ as my personal savior, and I liked the sound of that. Personal.

I sat down, listened to the sermon, sang the hymns. I prayed. I accepted. I waited. I was so touched by the experience I felt I could give up the rest of my life just so I could be there forever. The man next to me then passed me a plate. Noticing my confusion, he leaned over and whispered in my ear, telling me to put some money in it.

Haha. Well played, business demon. Well played.