In looking at ads for a room to rent, I am somewhat perplexed by landlords requesting that their potential tenants be drama-free. First, what do they have against actors? And second, with what do you gauge your drama levels? I can be sure I don’t have a dog, I can be sure I don’t do drugs, but how do I know I am devoid of drama? Because I most certainly am not; the only thing free about my drama is that I don’t get paid for it.

Take for instance that moment 22 years ago when my parents refused to buy me the toy car on the shelf. A normal, well-adjusted human being would somberly accept this rejection and vow to work hard so that he can one day afford the toy himself. I, however, just cried and crapped my diapers. I do not know what came over me that day, but such is the life for someone so filled to the brim with drama.

From this, I have also learned why the homeless are so cranky. Or rather, why the cranky are so homeless. And I am inspired to help these people once I have the money. The Kevin Kao Home for the Highly Dramatic will provide housing for those that promise not to be drama-free, but to be dramatic for free. Above its glass ceiling, I will have my own room, overlooking my tenants and their constant arguments over the pettiest things. “How dare you use two sheets of my toilet paper?” one would say, “How would you like it if I wiped feces on your personal property?”

In my hand would be popcorn and a Coke, and I will be greatly entertained. It would be like reality TV, without the TV.