Victoria was always up to something. In the middle of the night, she would wait until I fell asleep and then slip off, only to return in the morning before I awoke. That she could do this so effortlessly was confusing as she wasn’t even a smart girl. When we were still in school, all she got were D’s. Like, 36 of them.

This habit of hers dug into my skin, and I would’ve broken up with her, if not for two huge, irresistible obstacles. First, she was hot. And second, she was a nice girl, always providing me the right amount of support whenever my self-esteem began to sag.

One night, she never returned. A week later, a man in a suit came in the door and flashed a badge. He told me he now has all the proof he needs to lock me up, with locks that cannot be detached by normal men. At long last, Victoria’s secret was disclothed. She was an undercovered agent.

I would say I was booby trapped, but that’s a pun and my possible criminal conviction is no laughing matter.