What is it with people trying to distinguish themselves from others by claiming they’re not what they are? HBO tells me it’s not TV. Wendy’s tells me it’s waaay better than fast food. And truTV tells me it’s not reality, but actuality.

It’s not just corporations either. The young man tells his girl it’s not sex if it’s oral. The woman at the door tells me Christianity is not a religion, but a lifestyle. And the man in the mall tells me his dog is not a pet, but a member of the family.

This is it. I wrote a harsh letter to TV Guide complaining about their inclusion of HBO in what is supposed to be a TV schedule. I no longer consider Wendy’s when I’m in the mood for fast food. And truTV will not have to reenact my crimes because I’ve already filmed them with an out-of-focus lens and haunting background music. I told the young man to pleasure me orally, and it’s not gay because it’s not sex. I told the woman at the door that I’m looking for religion, but I’ve only heard sinful things about alternate lifestyles. And I’m publicizing the trauma I experienced after I was touched inappropriately by a member of the Stanton family.

No, I’m not pissed. I’m inversely delighted.