Given the choice, most people would want to have their own show on a channel like NBC or CBS, or HBO if they like to curse a lot, but not me. My show would only fit on CourtTV.

Preparation for the show will begin when my wife, having discovered my womanizing ways and uncontrollable gambling habits, realizes the only way she can keep the house and maintain a life of decency for our kids would be to dissolve me in a bathtub full of acid. Prior to my death, I will make sure to leave enough clues so the investigators will inevitably catch her, but not so many that they wouldn’t have some fun along the way. The blood spatter in particular will be cleverly ambiguous.

The pilot will show me, played by Daniel Day Lewis, engaging in my vices, while my wife, played by Sharon Stone, plans out the murder in lingerie. The episode ends with me rotting in my own liquid flesh. From there, investigators embark on a thrilling 13-part journey of twists and turns until finally my wife gets her comeuppance. Is that karma?

I have no doubt the show will prove so popular, everybody involved would want a second season, but I’m like the British version of The Office, and would like to quit when it’s still good. So maybe just one Christmas special, and then that’s it.